Friday, August 25, 2006

Untitled Time Pass

Rains and shines,
Sky,now, is a cloudmine.
See a moment later to
Watch sun do a peek-a-boo.

Its golden for one
Moment and later silvern.
Greedy's treasure,
Skies are seldom azure.

Tin roof 'n a pour,
Lured to a shower.
Got drenched often,
Down with flu - gone all fun.

Showed cravings a limit,
Took all fun-bit by bit,
Got in a cage-well knit,
Now I wanna break it.

Wild and carefree,
Will my heart be,
For not long, monsoon's here,
Can't kill fun out of fear.


AnoNick said...

Nice poem... you can work on the themes and longer lines... experiment a bit... nice rhyming... you're a good nature poet, work on it.

LAEvanesce said...

I like poems with short, stubby lines, it's something people don't do often enough. "Watch sun do a peek-a-boo" is a great line, and I like "For not long, monsoon's here,/Can't kill fun out of fear". Just two things: the rhythm gets a little clunky in certain parts (it's mostly good though) and the first two lines of the last stanza are pretty cliche (wild and carefee heart), if you reworked that all cliches would be gone. Maybe something like this:

"Aloof and chain-free,
My nature's decree,
For not long, monsoon's here,
Can't kill fun out of fear."

With something like that, you can work a little trick into the poem (nature, but not the nature around you, but *your* nature) and use more uncommon phrasing. Try reworking yourself ^^

Overall, I like it, the structure is nice and certain phrases provide great imagery: good show!